I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
