woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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