please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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