i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
i need some magic done to my vagina
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Randomize
