at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
