im drinking this country out of the recession.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
