Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
