My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
