My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
