I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
did you just send me my own nude
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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