I puked a lego.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
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