Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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