see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize