I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize