I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
