I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
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