There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
