when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
