Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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