My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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