My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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