Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
