Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
