I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize