I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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