i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Randomize
