Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
