Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize