I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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