Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
