Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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