I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
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