my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize