Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
