Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
