Having a random hookup so left but love u
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize