Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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