Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
