sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
