I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
My vagina just clenched in fear
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
