I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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