If i could tip my vagina, i would.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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