i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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