I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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