A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
