After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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