I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
