Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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