Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
