Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Randomize
