i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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