Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
