He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
did i just pee glitter
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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