I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I made him laugh his dick is mine
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
