he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
