I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Randomize
