Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
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