I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Randomize
