When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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