I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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