My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
