My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
She needs sedatives and a leash
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize