My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
