I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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