C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
