If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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