My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
