someone threw a dead crab at me
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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