i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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