Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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