Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I miss vodka workout Fridays
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
