I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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