she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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