ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
this just has baby written all over it
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
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