A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
