Kiss
Puke
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
