Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
